Under the Banner of Heaven: Standing Up Against Abuse

I know I’m not the only one who finds the stories of faith deconstruction, of surviving cults and high-control groups to be healing. Memoirs, documentaries, blogs, films—no matter the format, I think telling our stories is invaluable in our collective effort to move away from harmful communities and relationships and toward healing.

I recently watched the limited series Under the Banner of Heaven on Hulu—almost all of it in one sitting because it resonated with me so very much I simply couldn’t do anything else. And there’s this moment in the last episode that I can’t stop thinking about…

ReviewCait WestSeptember 30, 2022spiritual abuse, religious trauma, mormonism, under the banner of heaven, exfundamentalist, fundamentalism, churchtooComment

To Those Who Liked Me Better When I Was Abused

You liked me as a quiet, meek, first-to-clear-the-table, last-to-speak-up girl. You liked me voiceless.

You wanted me submissive, obedient—powerless—and happy about it.

You told me to just keep submitting because it would all turn out okay. You said God would work everything out for good, but then you went home and minded your own business because you aren’t God…

You Are the Author of Your Story

For most of my life, my story was dictated to me. God had already planned my days, and if I wanted to honor him, I was supposed to follow my father’s interpretation of the Bible in order to fulfill God’s plan.

I was always a secondary character in this story. One could say the protagonist was God, the controller of the universe, but since he’s invisible, his stand-in was my father, eventually to be replaced by my future husband.

I remember once as a twenty-four-year-old, when I was trying to assert myself, I was told, “You can think whatever you want, but you can’t act on it.” That statement encapsulated the essence of the spiritual abuse I was experiencing…